I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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