I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
