mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
