Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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