when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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