I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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