oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
