Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
