they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
he just fucked me for my cheese..
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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