shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
