The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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