Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
