Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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