You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.