well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
