I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
