your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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