I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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