I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
