now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
