Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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