I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
