I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
