'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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