maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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