flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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