someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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