my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize