all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
