this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
