I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.