I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.