i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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