Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I think I am morally bankrupt
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
