I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
