there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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