When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
