Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
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I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
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Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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