better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
