Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
