It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I stole a fireplace last night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
