I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
