I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
