i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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