Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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