my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
