Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
