i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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