i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
