just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
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The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
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Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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