i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
