Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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