I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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