My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
