its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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