Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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