Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
