Im at strip club and am horny
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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